Brother's Meeting has Begun

We gather at many tables: for meals, for games, for song. School meetings, weddings, birthdays, Bible studies. In our Western cultures, the four legs and flat surface of a table carry the heart of our social interactions. As we cycle through our often chaotic days and lives we return to our tables for sustenance, direction, reconciliation, and fellowship. “The table,” writes Louise O. Fresco in an Atlantic article, “is the center of a universe in which we seek our place, revolving like planets around the sun, drawn by the gravity of the regularity of eating and the longing of company.”[1]

Tables represent collective engagement. It is across the table where we face each other, pass things, discuss matters. Circular conversation is expected, an equality is assumed, and everything gets passed to everyone. There is the head of the table, from which we expect organization and leadership, and the foot, where we place honored guests.

Christ’s bride is best understood as a body, an organism, a relational ecosystem. Each person is woven into the complex webs and support systems of biblical, Jesus-centered brotherhood. This super-democracy is fueled not by its members demanding to be heard, as did the banqueteers in Luke’s gospel, but by each of us insisting the other have a good seat at the table. “You first,” we say. When someone is loved, their voice matters. We care about what they think and feel. Their experiences and perspectives are valued, and we honor them with inclusion in decisions.

Single-entity decisions and exclusive administration are red flags marking carnal leadership ideology. Once we no longer acknowledge the centrality of collective decisions to brotherhood, and administration is framed primarily by an authority/submission paradigm, we have closed the book of biblical brotherhood and have turned instead to the provisions of the flesh.

So, pull up your chairs. What are the nuts and bolts—or the forks and spoons—of the dialogue of brotherhood? What table manners are expected when God’s children gather at a members’ meeting?

Be your best. Stakes can be high around this table and disastrous escalation is always one bad attitude away. Break out your best behavior, positive body language, and affirming and neutral rhetoric. A bad actor who sits glowering like a Rottweiler signals his unfitness and relational incompetence and may need some kenneling of sorts. Smile at intervals, and when someone’s thoughts oppose yours, nod agreeably and radiate a bring-it-on encouragement.

You are here to share your perspective, not to be persuasive. The table seeks your expression of how you feel about the issue at hand. Do not attempt to float a water-tight argument, pre-emptively dismantle the opposition’s case, or tailor your presentation for your sympathizers. This is not about losing or winning, but about sharing. You are not here to influence others or to change anyone’s mind. Lay your opinion gently and carefully on the table alongside your brother’s and see it as only an ingredient of the final decision.

Acknowledge your biases and motivators. Honesty is appealing and disarming. Speak frankly and openly about internal conflict, past experiences, and future hopes. Do not be disingenuous about your motives. Don’t ask for cargo pockets because tool belts are so expensive, and instead of wrestling with all that leather four times a day, you could carry your drills and screws in your pants. What really you wish for is cargo pockets, which is something else entirely. A lie is a lie.

Be simple. Work to distill your thoughts into simple phrases. Avoid reaching into other discussions. Keep the narrative tight. If whether or not to drill a new well is the question at hand, don’t take everyone three states east to where your cousin’s nephew drilled an 800’ well only to find it was 16” onto his neighbor’s property. Learn the difference between the relevant and the anecdotal. Stay simple, on track, and out of the weeds.

Wait your turn. No one speaks twice until all have spoken once. If someone lays out an idea that offends your sensibilities or pushes your buttons, and you have the perfect rebuttal, or even if a question is asked which you alone know the answer to, hold your peace and your place. Respect the quiet rhythm of good talk and the etiquette of turn-taking.

Keep your leaders in mind. Leading a meeting is no small task. Shepherding people is like herding ducks some days, I hear. You may be having fun tossing all sorts of ideas out there, but remember they are trying to pull together workable solutions and compromises out of a broad range of opinions. Don’t heave a deep sorrowful sigh near the end of the negotiations and lay out a conviction you only realized you had when proceedings took an unfavorable turn.

Represent those in your care with integrity. If you are speaking for your family, did you spend the time gleaning and gathering what they think? Or when you walked out the door did you leave their interests at home? Listen at home like you hope to be listened to at the meeting. Be trustworthy when you communicate their ideas.

In a world of shin-kicking and spilled drinks, do those of us who claim our Lord’s communion gather close and honor our Savior and each other? Will we mind our manners with the mind of Christ?

[1]“Why We Eat Together,” Louise O. Fresco, The Atlantic, 2015